One day at a time

A lot of people have asked how we are doing.  It is really hard to answer that question because honestly, we feel so empty and heart broken.  We miss our sweet Lucas.  We are comforted by the fact that he is in heaven, perfectly healed and perfectly happy.  Those of us still here though are broken.  Another question we are asked a lot is how Miller is doing.  Miller is grieving in his own little newborn way.  The hours before Lucas went to heaven, my mom said Miller was inconsolable.  At the time that Lucas went into Jesus's arms, she said that Miller suddenly stopped crying and looked up towards the ceiling and smiled.  I like to believe that Lucas let Miller know at that moment that he was ok now.  He was perfectly healthy and going to see Jesus.  I've always heard that twins have a special connection and now I believe that more than ever.

It was really hard to look at Miller the couple days after.  Most people that lose a child don't have another one that looks exactly like the child they lost.  It is hard, yet a blessing at the same time to see so much of Lucas when I look at Miller.

Of course we will never be the same again.  Lucas changed our lives in so many ways.  We learned a whole new level of love.  We love all of our children equally, but loving a chronically sick child teaches you so much about love.  I would have given anything to have Lucas healed here on earth and come home with us.

Another question we have gotten is what exactly happened.  I don't think I am ready to talk about it, and I may never be ready.  Losing a child is traumatic.  I will say that he passed away in our arms, with us telling him how much we love him and that we would see him again in heaven someday.

We are so thankful that we got to spend 76 precious days with our beautiful Lucas.  I will cherish that time always.  We are thankful for the abundant prayers, hugs, meals, offers to baby-sit, and donations.  I am thankful that because of people's generosity, even people we have never met, that the entire cost of the funeral was taken care of.  I'm not sure that we will keep blogging on this blog.  We may start a new one, as we are starting a new chapter in our lives.  If we do,  we will post our new blog site on here.  One thing I can promise, though, is that we will speak of Lucas often and tell the world about how he changed our lives.  He will always be such a beautiful part of our lives.