http://randtmakesthree.blogspot.com
If you would like to keep following our little family, be sure to check out the new blog. I am making a goal of posting at least twice a week. Hopefully I can stick to that!
Monday, August 5, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
A new blog... maybe....
So I'm thinking of starting a new blog. Just maybe. I like going back and reading and remembering different milestones the boys had. It is easy to document the little things.
Writing is also pretty therapeutic to me. When I get upset with someone, I always write them a letter and say everything I want to say. Then I tear up the letter and throw it away. Usually, I get all my venting out in the letter and I'm ready to move on without needing to confront the person. That's how writing is for me. Therapy. And since we are going through a roller coaster of emotions, it could be good for me to have an outlet.
So, the past couple of weeks have been.... well... rough. I have gone to the cemetery several times. I don't like the word cemetery. I think I prefer to call it Lucas's garden. Butterflies seem to be a recurring thing there. My whole family sees them all the time.
Yesterday I was in Lucas's garden, sitting on the grass crying and a butterfly floats around me and lands next to me on the grass.
We have also seen several deer. The second or third time I went, my mom and I saw 7 deer there.
I have found myself getting very agitated lately. Things that normally don't bother me that much do now. Like the other day, we were grocery shopping and the woman at the checkout saw Miller and said to Tom, "How cute! How old is the baby?" So we answered her. Then she turns to me and says, "And how old is Mommy?" is a very condescending tone. Yes, I look younger than I am. But, really? Anyway, normally things like this (and this happens fairly often) don't bother me much. But it really irritated me that day.
And we went back to church for the first time Sunday. My dear friend Heather brought her new baby girl and I brought Miller. The two babies are about the same size. A man came up and said, "Two for one, huh?" I started crying. This man had no idea what had happened, but it hurt nevertheless.
We start grief counseling soon. Maybe this will help with my agitation and my anxiety.
On a different note, Declan and Miller are doing great. These boys can make me smile even through the roughest of days. Declan will pat my back when I'm upset. Melts my heart. He is on a Thomas the Train kick. I got him a Thomas the Train book the other day and he is completely obsessed with it.
Miller is a whopping 8 lbs 9 oz now and 20 1/2 inches long. When we brought him home on June 13, he only weighed 5 lbs 4 oz! The boy sure does enjoy eating!
So, yeah. We are just taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I'm working on starting a new blog. For those that wish to follow, check back in a couple of weeks for a link. It is taking me a while to get stuff done, between taking care of the boys, writing thank you cards, dishes, laundry, and moving in a couple of weeks... we have our hands very full!
Writing is also pretty therapeutic to me. When I get upset with someone, I always write them a letter and say everything I want to say. Then I tear up the letter and throw it away. Usually, I get all my venting out in the letter and I'm ready to move on without needing to confront the person. That's how writing is for me. Therapy. And since we are going through a roller coaster of emotions, it could be good for me to have an outlet.
So, the past couple of weeks have been.... well... rough. I have gone to the cemetery several times. I don't like the word cemetery. I think I prefer to call it Lucas's garden. Butterflies seem to be a recurring thing there. My whole family sees them all the time.
Yesterday I was in Lucas's garden, sitting on the grass crying and a butterfly floats around me and lands next to me on the grass.
We have also seen several deer. The second or third time I went, my mom and I saw 7 deer there.
I have found myself getting very agitated lately. Things that normally don't bother me that much do now. Like the other day, we were grocery shopping and the woman at the checkout saw Miller and said to Tom, "How cute! How old is the baby?" So we answered her. Then she turns to me and says, "And how old is Mommy?" is a very condescending tone. Yes, I look younger than I am. But, really? Anyway, normally things like this (and this happens fairly often) don't bother me much. But it really irritated me that day.
And we went back to church for the first time Sunday. My dear friend Heather brought her new baby girl and I brought Miller. The two babies are about the same size. A man came up and said, "Two for one, huh?" I started crying. This man had no idea what had happened, but it hurt nevertheless.
We start grief counseling soon. Maybe this will help with my agitation and my anxiety.
On a different note, Declan and Miller are doing great. These boys can make me smile even through the roughest of days. Declan will pat my back when I'm upset. Melts my heart. He is on a Thomas the Train kick. I got him a Thomas the Train book the other day and he is completely obsessed with it.
Miller is a whopping 8 lbs 9 oz now and 20 1/2 inches long. When we brought him home on June 13, he only weighed 5 lbs 4 oz! The boy sure does enjoy eating!
So, yeah. We are just taking it one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. I'm working on starting a new blog. For those that wish to follow, check back in a couple of weeks for a link. It is taking me a while to get stuff done, between taking care of the boys, writing thank you cards, dishes, laundry, and moving in a couple of weeks... we have our hands very full!
Monday, July 15, 2013
One day at a time
A lot of people have asked how we are doing. It is really hard to answer that question because honestly, we feel so empty and heart broken. We miss our sweet Lucas. We are comforted by the fact that he is in heaven, perfectly healed and perfectly happy. Those of us still here though are broken. Another question we are asked a lot is how Miller is doing. Miller is grieving in his own little newborn way. The hours before Lucas went to heaven, my mom said Miller was inconsolable. At the time that Lucas went into Jesus's arms, she said that Miller suddenly stopped crying and looked up towards the ceiling and smiled. I like to believe that Lucas let Miller know at that moment that he was ok now. He was perfectly healthy and going to see Jesus. I've always heard that twins have a special connection and now I believe that more than ever.
It was really hard to look at Miller the couple days after. Most people that lose a child don't have another one that looks exactly like the child they lost. It is hard, yet a blessing at the same time to see so much of Lucas when I look at Miller.
Of course we will never be the same again. Lucas changed our lives in so many ways. We learned a whole new level of love. We love all of our children equally, but loving a chronically sick child teaches you so much about love. I would have given anything to have Lucas healed here on earth and come home with us.
Another question we have gotten is what exactly happened. I don't think I am ready to talk about it, and I may never be ready. Losing a child is traumatic. I will say that he passed away in our arms, with us telling him how much we love him and that we would see him again in heaven someday.
We are so thankful that we got to spend 76 precious days with our beautiful Lucas. I will cherish that time always. We are thankful for the abundant prayers, hugs, meals, offers to baby-sit, and donations. I am thankful that because of people's generosity, even people we have never met, that the entire cost of the funeral was taken care of. I'm not sure that we will keep blogging on this blog. We may start a new one, as we are starting a new chapter in our lives. If we do, we will post our new blog site on here. One thing I can promise, though, is that we will speak of Lucas often and tell the world about how he changed our lives. He will always be such a beautiful part of our lives.
It was really hard to look at Miller the couple days after. Most people that lose a child don't have another one that looks exactly like the child they lost. It is hard, yet a blessing at the same time to see so much of Lucas when I look at Miller.
Of course we will never be the same again. Lucas changed our lives in so many ways. We learned a whole new level of love. We love all of our children equally, but loving a chronically sick child teaches you so much about love. I would have given anything to have Lucas healed here on earth and come home with us.
Another question we have gotten is what exactly happened. I don't think I am ready to talk about it, and I may never be ready. Losing a child is traumatic. I will say that he passed away in our arms, with us telling him how much we love him and that we would see him again in heaven someday.
We are so thankful that we got to spend 76 precious days with our beautiful Lucas. I will cherish that time always. We are thankful for the abundant prayers, hugs, meals, offers to baby-sit, and donations. I am thankful that because of people's generosity, even people we have never met, that the entire cost of the funeral was taken care of. I'm not sure that we will keep blogging on this blog. We may start a new one, as we are starting a new chapter in our lives. If we do, we will post our new blog site on here. One thing I can promise, though, is that we will speak of Lucas often and tell the world about how he changed our lives. He will always be such a beautiful part of our lives.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Heaven gained an angel baby
Our precious Lucas went to be with Jesus early this morning. My sweet baby passed away in my arms. We are absolutely devastated and heartbroken. This is the worst kind of pain and grief. We are comforted by the fact that Lucas is no longer struggling or in pain, but we miss him so very much. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. Our family needs them right now, more than ever.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Time
It's very hard to find the time to blog these days with 2 boys at home and 1 in the NICU, but I'm going to try to be better at it. Miller is doing great at home. He is eating like a champ. Man, this kid loves to eat! He is growing so much and changing each day. He always looks so serious except for a few moments a day when he grins really big. Declan is completely fascinated with Miller. It is so sweet.
Lucas is still having a hard time. We learned that he is currently the sickest baby in the LeBonheur NICU which made my stomach turn when I heard that. He may be the sickest baby, but I guarantee he is the toughest baby there! He is currently battling a couple of different infections, persistent pulmonary hypertension, barium insult to his right lung, possible pneumothorax, grade 1 IVH (mild bleeding of the brain, but this can be reversible and is to be expected of a preemie who has crashed so many times), and esophageal atresia. So, yeah, he has a lot going on. He has been on small feedings of breast milk for a few days now and is doing well with that. They wanted to fortify the breast milk with human milk fortifier for extra calories, but we declined that for now since it increases his chance of getting NEC. I do not want to take any chances of him getting NEC. NEC is absolutely terrifying and a very dangerous infection. Miller had NEC, but thankfully only needed a round of antibiotics to treat it.
For all of you who are praying for Lucas, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. He needs a lot of prayers. Please pray that the infections respond to the antibiotics, for a way to treat the pulmonary hypertension, for his lungs to heal, and that he doesn't get NEC, as these are the biggest issues he is facing.
Lucas is still having a hard time. We learned that he is currently the sickest baby in the LeBonheur NICU which made my stomach turn when I heard that. He may be the sickest baby, but I guarantee he is the toughest baby there! He is currently battling a couple of different infections, persistent pulmonary hypertension, barium insult to his right lung, possible pneumothorax, grade 1 IVH (mild bleeding of the brain, but this can be reversible and is to be expected of a preemie who has crashed so many times), and esophageal atresia. So, yeah, he has a lot going on. He has been on small feedings of breast milk for a few days now and is doing well with that. They wanted to fortify the breast milk with human milk fortifier for extra calories, but we declined that for now since it increases his chance of getting NEC. I do not want to take any chances of him getting NEC. NEC is absolutely terrifying and a very dangerous infection. Miller had NEC, but thankfully only needed a round of antibiotics to treat it.
For all of you who are praying for Lucas, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. He needs a lot of prayers. Please pray that the infections respond to the antibiotics, for a way to treat the pulmonary hypertension, for his lungs to heal, and that he doesn't get NEC, as these are the biggest issues he is facing.
Monday, June 24, 2013
2 months!
The twins turned 2 months old on the 22nd. I can't believe my little twinkies are already 2 months old!
Miller,
You are 2 months old! Wow, time is flying by! This month you got to come home and we are loving every minute with you. You now weigh 6 lbs 2 oz and are 19 and 1/2 inches long. Big boy! You are still in preemie diapers but you have moved up to newborn size clothes. You are taking about 2 and 1/2 oz of breast milk every 3-4 hours. You are still a little feisty man. Bath time is a dreaded event in our house because you hate it so much! The past couple of weeks have been busy for you. You had an eye exam last week and it was terrible for mommy to watch. You screamed so much. You have gone to the pediatrician a couple of times and are gaining weight like a champ. We love you so much!
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Lucas,
You are 2 months old, baby boy! Luke, you are so amazing. The doctors and nurses continue to talk about what a little fighter you are. Over the last month you have had another surgery, gotten off the oscillator, and come down on some of your ventilator settings. Your stats go back and forth, but one day we walked into your room and your oxygen saturation was at 100%! We tried to snap a picture of it, but it changed as soon as we got the camera out. Your weight is around 5 lbs, but due to fluid retention we aren't quite sure exactly how much you weigh. You are very tall (I think you are even longer than Miller) and have some big feet! You seem to like it when mommy sings to you and when we talk to you in a soft voice. You don't like loud noises or a lot of commotion. You have started quite the stuffed animal collection. My sweet boy, you are so amazing and so loved.
Miller,
You are 2 months old! Wow, time is flying by! This month you got to come home and we are loving every minute with you. You now weigh 6 lbs 2 oz and are 19 and 1/2 inches long. Big boy! You are still in preemie diapers but you have moved up to newborn size clothes. You are taking about 2 and 1/2 oz of breast milk every 3-4 hours. You are still a little feisty man. Bath time is a dreaded event in our house because you hate it so much! The past couple of weeks have been busy for you. You had an eye exam last week and it was terrible for mommy to watch. You screamed so much. You have gone to the pediatrician a couple of times and are gaining weight like a champ. We love you so much!
.jpg)
Lucas,
You are 2 months old, baby boy! Luke, you are so amazing. The doctors and nurses continue to talk about what a little fighter you are. Over the last month you have had another surgery, gotten off the oscillator, and come down on some of your ventilator settings. Your stats go back and forth, but one day we walked into your room and your oxygen saturation was at 100%! We tried to snap a picture of it, but it changed as soon as we got the camera out. Your weight is around 5 lbs, but due to fluid retention we aren't quite sure exactly how much you weigh. You are very tall (I think you are even longer than Miller) and have some big feet! You seem to like it when mommy sings to you and when we talk to you in a soft voice. You don't like loud noises or a lot of commotion. You have started quite the stuffed animal collection. My sweet boy, you are so amazing and so loved.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A new job
So I have a new job. I am a stay-at-home mommy now. And boy do I have so much more respect for stay-at-home parents now. I thought my days would consist of cuddling both boys that are at home, calling to check on Luke, and maybe a couple loads of laundry here and there. Nope. My days consist of chasing a very active toddler around, trying to feed Declan and nurse Miller at the exact same time, somehow finding 5 minutes to shower and get dressed for the day, calling to check on Luke while Declan screams at me... But you know what? I am loving every minute of it. I'm not saying I won't have days where I feel overwhelmed. But I think after everything we have been through, I am so so so grateful to be spending this time with my boys. It really does make you look at things differently. The house may not be spotless. We may have laundry piled up. Oh well. It'll get done when it gets done.
Luke has had another rough stretch. The infectious disease doctors talked to Tom yesterday. Luke has something but they don't know what. He is on more antibiotics and steroids. His left lung isn't looking as good. It has started to deflate a little bit, so they started a steroid in hopes of getting it back to full capacity. The doctors say that the next 3 or 4 days are very critical for him. They say it will give us a better idea on his survival and what long term problems he may have. I literally felt sick when I heard all of this. I would give anything to take this struggle myself. If I could trade places with him, I would in a heartbeat.
Today I spent a good majority of the day with Luke. One of the respiratory therapists told me for what it's worth, she thought he looked better today. She also told me about a set of twins that were struggling like Luke and they came to visit today, at ages 2 and 1/2, and they are happy, healthy kids. I needed that. I know the severity of the situation, but we need some hope to cling to. I sang to Lucas today. He seemed to like that. I am by no means a great singer, but I just felt the need to sing to him. I talked to him a lot and prayed over him.
Back at home, Miller is chowing down and gaining weight like a champ. He left the NICU weighing 5 lbs 4 oz and now he is up to 5 lbs 11 oz! Miller loves to cuddle. He positively hates bath time, making it a miserable process for both of us. Unfortunately, due to him peeing on his head almost every day this week, he has gotten a few baths. He has outgrown his preemie clothes and is now into newborn sizes, though they are slightly too big for him. The pants are especially big since this little guy has some skinny legs. He is still in preemie diapers. Little guy loves to be swaddled. Good thing that Tom is an expert swaddler. I, on the other hand, am not very good at swaddling. We are getting there though.
Big brother Declan is very curious about Miller. He has some moments of jealously, but they are few and far between. Every time Miller makes a noise, Declan says brother, or "bruh-ba." It is so cute. Declan is so close to walking. I think if we had carpet instead of hardwood floors, he would be walking already.
Luke has had another rough stretch. The infectious disease doctors talked to Tom yesterday. Luke has something but they don't know what. He is on more antibiotics and steroids. His left lung isn't looking as good. It has started to deflate a little bit, so they started a steroid in hopes of getting it back to full capacity. The doctors say that the next 3 or 4 days are very critical for him. They say it will give us a better idea on his survival and what long term problems he may have. I literally felt sick when I heard all of this. I would give anything to take this struggle myself. If I could trade places with him, I would in a heartbeat.
Today I spent a good majority of the day with Luke. One of the respiratory therapists told me for what it's worth, she thought he looked better today. She also told me about a set of twins that were struggling like Luke and they came to visit today, at ages 2 and 1/2, and they are happy, healthy kids. I needed that. I know the severity of the situation, but we need some hope to cling to. I sang to Lucas today. He seemed to like that. I am by no means a great singer, but I just felt the need to sing to him. I talked to him a lot and prayed over him.
Back at home, Miller is chowing down and gaining weight like a champ. He left the NICU weighing 5 lbs 4 oz and now he is up to 5 lbs 11 oz! Miller loves to cuddle. He positively hates bath time, making it a miserable process for both of us. Unfortunately, due to him peeing on his head almost every day this week, he has gotten a few baths. He has outgrown his preemie clothes and is now into newborn sizes, though they are slightly too big for him. The pants are especially big since this little guy has some skinny legs. He is still in preemie diapers. Little guy loves to be swaddled. Good thing that Tom is an expert swaddler. I, on the other hand, am not very good at swaddling. We are getting there though.
Big brother Declan is very curious about Miller. He has some moments of jealously, but they are few and far between. Every time Miller makes a noise, Declan says brother, or "bruh-ba." It is so cute. Declan is so close to walking. I think if we had carpet instead of hardwood floors, he would be walking already.
Love this little guy so much!
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